Three days. Three golf courses. Countless beers. Several emotional breakdowns. One karaoke performance nobody asked for. And enough golfing trauma to keep WhatsApp active until Christmas.
Three days.
Three golf courses.
Countless beers.
Several emotional breakdowns.
One karaoke performance nobody asked for.
And enough golfing trauma to keep WhatsApp active until Christmas.
By the time the final putt dropped at Laguna, Team Spider had once again completed the job, dismantling the fading orange machine 9.5 – 6.5 and retaining the trophy in convincing fashion.
The final morning perfectly captured the mood of the week.
The Spiders arrived looking sharp in their classy light pink shirts.
The Tigers arrived dressed like escaped road workers from a motorway closure on the M5.
And before anybody had even hit a shot… the chaos had already started.
NICK GUMM’S FINAL ADMIN DISASTER
Despite three days of experience, Nick Gumm somehow still managed to create a tee time disaster on finals day.
A complete breakdown in organisation left the group teeing off over TEN MINUTES late, creating a huge gap on the course and summoning an absolutely furious course marshal who stormed towards the group looking ready to issue prison sentences.
Witnesses described him as:
“one lost hole away from physically escorting Nick into the nearest lake.”
Nick immediately began pretending he was helping solve the issue despite clearly being the cause of it.
A magnificent final contribution to the week.
CAPTAINS MATCH
PAUL TICEHURST def. JASON SYKES — 2&1
The heavyweight battle.
The two captains spent most of the round waiting for the other one to implode first, producing a bizarre tactical contest where mistakes were celebrated almost more than birdies.
Momentum swung wildly all afternoon.
Jason looked steady.
Paul responded.
Jason recovered.
Paul recovered harder.
Eventually Paul edged ahead late on to secure a huge win for Tiger pride — although by this point the overall team result was already slowly slipping away from the orange side.
Still, a classy win from the outgoing Tiger skipper.
RICHARD TURNER SURVIVES THE SAM HARRIS EXPERIENCE
RICHARD TURNER def. SAM HARRIS — 2&1
At one point Sam Harris was FIVE DOWN and looked completely finished.
Most players would have collapsed.
Sam instead suddenly remembered he could actually play golf and produced a ridiculous comeback to drag the match deep into the back nine.
Richard Turner visibly tightened up as the lead disappeared hole by hole. By the 17th tee, Rick looked like a man trying to defuse a bomb while holding a putter.
But Sam’s comeback finally stalled under pressure and Rick escaped with the win.
A huge relief for the Tigers.
And probably for Rick’s blood pressure.
GLYN BROOME CONTINUES HIS ASSAULT ON THE TOUR
GLYN BROOME def. SIMON HARRIS — 4&3
A very one-sided affair.
Glyn Broome continued what has been an outrageously impressive debut week by comfortably dispatching Simon Harris, who by this stage of the tour looked less interested in winning golf matches and more interested in simply avoiding public humiliation.
After the Millennium putting collapse, Simon appeared terrified of ever standing over another meaningful putt again.
Glyn calmly picked him apart.
No drama.
No panic.
No mercy.
DAVE CUNNINGHAM FINALLY EXPERIENCES SOLO SUCCESS
DAVE CUNNINGHAM def. RICHARD ASHBY — 5&3
Dave Cunningham may genuinely have enjoyed this win more than Spider winning the actual tournament.
Why?
Because for once he achieved an outright singles victory without needing assistance from a partner.
And he absolutely dined out on it.
Dave rolled in monster putts all afternoon while Richard Ashby descended into yet another full-scale golfing collapse.
The putting yips arrived.
Confidence disappeared.
Body language deteriorated.
At one point Ashby looked like a man being forced to continue playing golf against his will.
The final tour record is genuinely horrifying:
- Played: 6
- Won: 0
- Drawn: 1
- Lost: 5
An all-time stinker.
Golf historians may need to review the footage to confirm he actually enjoyed any of the week.
NICK GUMM’S GOLF GAME RANDOMLY ARRIVES
NICK GUMM def. MARK NEIGHBOUR — 2 up
Nobody saw this coming.
Absolutely nobody.
Nick Gumm — fresh off:
- karaoke heroics
- a pavement nap beside a plant pot
- losing his sunglasses
- and organising the wrong tee time
…suddenly turned into prime Tiger Woods.
Nick stormed FIVE UP early while Mark Neighbour looked utterly baffled by what was happening.
To his credit, Mark mounted a superb comeback to reduce the deficit to just one down late on, but Nick’s absurd handicap advantage once again proved decisive.
Mark spent most of the round trying to work out how a man who sleeps outdoors after karaoke was somehow receiving TEN shots from him.
On the final hole, the extra shot proved too much.
To his credit, Mark admitted:
“He deserved it.”
Though he still looked emotionally confused by the entire experience.
GREG TICEHURST COMPLETES THE COMEBACK OF THE WEEK
GREG TICEHURST def. JON MACKNESS — 4&2
Mackers absolutely battered Greg early on.
The Tiger veteran capitalised brilliantly as Greg stumbled around the front nine looking like a man suffering the effects of three consecutive 2am finishes.
Jon raced into a FIVE-hole lead and looked certain to win.
Then Greg suddenly transformed into peak Rory McIlroy.
From the back nine onwards Greg won EVERYTHING.
Fairways. Holes. Momentum. Mackers’ spirit.
The comeback was ruthless.
By the closing holes Jon looked completely traumatised as Greg completed one of the all-time tour turnarounds.
CATH LEVELL COMPLETES HERO STATUS
CATH LEVELL def. BARRY TUCKER — 5&3
What a debut week.
Cath Levell completed one of the standout performances of the entire tour by comfortably beating Barry Tucker, whose golf game completely fell apart after his strong opening day.
Baz never recovered from Faldo.
The skied iron shots returned.
The confidence vanished.
And Cath calmly dismantled him.
Then came the moment of the day.
After winning the match, Cath attempted to retrieve her ball near a lake… slipped… and nearly launched herself directly into the water.
Fortunately Alan Obern and Richard Frayne managed to rescue her before full immersion occurred.
A genuinely elite save.
OBERN vs FRAYNE: THE BATTLE OF THE STEADY MEN
ALAN OBERN vs RICHARD FRAYNE — HALVED
A genuinely quality match.
Alan Obern spent the entire round doing what he’d done all week:
- fairways
- greens
- no drama
- annoying consistency
Meanwhile Frayne quietly matched him throughout.
The moment everybody remembers came when Frayne produced a spectacular air shot combined with what witnesses described as:
“a full pirouette.”
Alan completely lost it laughing.
Fair result in the end.
Though Frayne’s accidental ballet routine may live forever.
FINAL DAY INDIVIDUAL STANDINGS
🥇 SAM HARRIS — 32 pts (£80)
The Great Handicap Experiment officially paid off.
After receiving approximately one shot every six minutes all week, Sam finally converted the advantage into a day victory.
Rumours of mandatory official handicaps for 2027 are now circulating heavily throughout the tour.
Mostly from angry opponents.
🥈 DAVE CUNNINGHAM — 29 pts (£40)
Quietly one of the steadiest players of the week.
And now armed with a singles victory story nobody can stop him repeating.
🥉 MARK NEIGHBOUR — 28 pts (£35)
Still excellent despite losing to a man who spent part of the week asleep beside street furniture.
4TH PLACE — ALAN OBERN — 28 pts (£20)
Another steady performance from Obie, who quietly continued his annoyingly consistent week with fairways, greens and very little drama.
A strong finish to an excellent debut tour that now sees him preparing to launch an entirely new team for 2027 following the collapse of the Tiger empire.
NTP
🏌️ RICHARD FRAYNE
Adding another highlight to a classy week.
OVERALL INDIVIDUAL CHAMPION
🏆 JASON SYKES — 90 pts
For the second consecutive year, Jason Sykes claimed the overall individual title and retained Spider captaincy for a THIRD straight victory.
Relentlessly consistent.
Mentally solid.
And increasingly irritating for everybody else.
🥈 ALAN OBERN — 88 pts
An unbelievable debut campaign from Obie.
Steady all week. Competitive throughout. Mentally exhausting to play against.
And with Team Tiger now officially dead and buried following another defeat, Alan Obern now takes charge of creating an entirely NEW team for 2027.
New colours.
New branding.
New identity.
Though early rumours suggest absolutely nobody wants orange involved ever again.
🥉 CATH LEVELL — 87 pts
An unbelievable debut tour from Cath, who handled the chaos, pressure and aggressive exposure to Portuguese red wine better than most seasoned veterans.
Consistent all week, superb in the team matches and one of the standout performers of the entire trip.
A tour debut that instantly enters Spider vs Tiger folklore.
4TH PLACE — RICHARD FRAYNE — 87 pts
Heartbreak for Frayne, who narrowly missed out on 3rd place on countback despite producing one of the steadiest weeks of anybody on tour.
Calm throughout, excellent at Millennium, NTP winner at Laguna and somehow capable of combining an air shot with a pirouette in the same motion.
A classy week from Frayne, even if 4th is ultimately the golfing equivalent of finishing one seat away from business class.
PLAYER PERFORMANCE SUMMARY
TOUR HEROES
- Jason Sykes — overall champion again
- Cath Levell — undefeated debut machine
- Glyn Broome — unbeaten all week
- Greg Ticehurst — comeback king
- Dave Cunningham — finally wins on his own
CHAOTIC CONTRIBUTORS
- Nick Gumm — terrible admin, elite karaoke, random golf brilliance
- Jon Mackness — emotional highs and devastating lows
- Sam Harris — handicap debate walking on two legs
PLAYERS REQUIRING SUPPORT
- Richard Ashby — psychologically destroyed by golf
- Simon Harris — emotionally damaged by missed putts
- Barry Tucker — Faldo ended him
FINAL NIGHT CELEBRATIONS
The tour closed with one final celebration at a local steak restaurant as mountains of meat arrived at the table.
Everyone tucked in enthusiastically…
…except Dave Cunningham, who wandered off searching for tofu and vegetarian protein options while the rest of the group inhaled enough steak to bankrupt a small farm.
Wine and beer flowed late into the evening as stories from the week were relived:
- missed putts
- collapses
- karaoke
- shanks
- plant-pot naps
- and another Spider victory
The banter was relentless.
And despite the tour only just ending, discussions for 2027 are already underway:
- new location rumours
- more players potentially joining
- and growing support for naming the trophy…
THE NGM CUP
(Nick Gumm Memorial Cup)
A proposal Nick Gumm continues to strongly oppose despite being alive.